Goldilocks, the three bears and a few others
by Killashandra
Summary: the story of goldilocks as it really happened, guest apperances by a few other well known characters (complete: this is my first fic, please review)(I may edit this, advise me please)


Goldilocks and the three bears and a few others.  
  
Once upon a time, in a land far away, and this is not Star Wars, there lived a young chit of a lass of some renown. Due to the colour, length and curl to her long, golden hair, her family and neighbours called her Goldilocks. Due to the skill she possessed in her chosen profession, that of picking locks for gold, her peers called her Goldilocks.  
  
One day on a beautiful spring morn, Fairies Inc. the company she was currently in the employ of gave her an assignment. This assignment involved crossing through the dark enchanted forest to the housing estate on the other side and breaking in to the home of the notorious Three Bears, the rival company currently masquerading as a family unit, and doing whatever it took to drive them out. Although breaking and entering was her actual trade, she was not above a little assasination, provided the price was right. This job would entail the traditional plan which, no matter how many times it is used never gets old. There was nothing else for it, she would have to pretend to be the little girl that she in actuality was and go visit grandma, which was the codename for her immediate boss once the job was done for further instructions, with the traditional arsenal of goodies in a basket.  
  
Goldilocks set out immediately dressed to kill in a short gingham dress, complete with mini apron, long white socks, come out to play sandals and of course the basket, lets not forget the basket. Skipping through the forest, she had just left the path when she came across three little pigs.  
  
'Oh, do be careful if you go in to the forest miss, it is full of viscious creatures just waiting to gobble you all up.' said one of the pigs, 'We heard that Big Bad Wolf was back so we're off to build our house made of straw,' said another at which point an argument and fight broke out over what the best material to build a house was. In the end the one who wanted bricks won but manly that was due to the sock and half brick he used to hit the others with until they were unconscious.  
  
'All we're saying miss, is that you oughtn't to go in to the forest on your own and that you should be more careful, there are nasty people about.' Goldilocks appeared to contemplate this briefly whilst at the same time reaching in to her basket, 'yes' she said at last, 'you were right about the nasty people,' she continued whilst edging closer to the pig in a frightened manner as if the pig could protect her. 'And, I'm nastier than most,' at which point she hit him very hard over the head with something that looked suspiciously like a freshly baked scone. She then spit roasted one of the pigs for a light snack and left the other two trussed up like pigs for the slaughter, which is what they were, with the only hany thing with which to gag them, an apple. She left them for whoever wanted them and continued on her journey.  
  
Not long after Goldilocks's encounter with the three little pigs, she came across a young female in a red cape type thing with a hood and a basket that looked like her own. 'Hey Red, you going to grandmas too?' Goldi asked the other assasin. 'No, actually I'm waiting on my date.' she replied a little warily because she feared our heroine, and a little huffily because Red had wanted the current assignment herself. 'Who is it this time, its not that woodsman is it? No? Well it can't be the gingerbread man, you thought that he was too sweet for you. Come on Red you can tell me you know.' Red looked at Goldi in despair just knowing that the answer would inevitably get leaked to the whole of Fairies Inc. and she would be such a laughing stock that Jack would threaten to cut her down to size as he always did when this happened. Never the less, one didn't just outright refuse to answer Goldi. 'Well, em, its actually, well you might not know him but, its erm Big Bad.'  
  
'What!' screeched Goldi in a fit of giggles, 'not, oh surely not Big Bad Wolf? Oh this is too good,' she laughed uproarously for a while. 'Now you promised not to tell remember?' wailed Red. 'What, oh right sure no problem,' replied Goldi with a glint in her eye that belied any such thing and just absolutely everyone was going to know about this. In any case, she had a job to do and gossip could wait. She continued on her journey.  
  
After a while, Goldi became impatient with the careful treading through the forest and plunged headlong through. The barrage continued for as long as it took for Goldi to suddenly stumble over a shoe that some imbecile had left lying in the middle of the road where just anyone could tumble over it. It was made of glass, and as Goldi new everyone in the neighbourhood, she knew that this glass slipper but belong to that blond, simpering, bimbo Cindy. Trust her, thought Goldi as she pocketed the shoe. On she continued until she saw a familiar dark haired girl singing as she scrambled around in the underbrush. 'Yo Snow White, what y'all doing down there girl?' she asked. 'Well, that stupid bimbo Cinderella has only gone and lost the shoe that she was supposed to keep, and now she's making me look for it.' This was the reason that Snow White and Goldilocks got on together, they generally thought along the same lines. They were both content to follow their fairy tale lives but they didn't have to like it and be nice all the time you know.  
  
General conversation and gossip ensued between the two friends, the main content of which was the amount of work left for Snow White to do after the chaos was Red as she thought that she could really try and date all seven dwarfs at the same time. The heartbreak when she left, and flood of tears was pitiful. After the general commiserating, Goldilocks thought that she had best continue on her mission before night fell and the bears returned.  
  
Goldilocks eventually became hungry and sat in a tree branch to have her roast pork, when who should she see below her but the wicked Queen, Snow Whites step mother, so Goldi shot her through the heart with her bow and arrow cutting off her head just to make sure, well you never knew with these fairy tale type folk now did you.  
  
Eventually, Goldilocks came to the egde of the forest and saw the house she was to infiltrate. After a rather stealthy entry she made her way through the hall and in to the living room. She immediately saw the chairs that were suppossedly antiques and heirlooms, and so without much ado she cut the legs entirerly off the largest one, it was too tall anyway, slashed the seat of the middle sized one, it was too soft, and utterly destroyed the smallest one with a sledge hammer, well it fit fine and reminded her that she was still only a little girl which she didn't like.  
  
She then moved on to the kitchen and saw three steaming bowls of porridge, she put half an ocean of salt in the largest, heaped the sugar in to the second and simply ate the smallest. Upstairs was the final destination, there she defecated in to the largest, vomited in to the middle one and felt she deserved some rest and so slept in the third, but not before stashing some of the more attractive and expensive items in to her basket. All of a sudden although to anyone with the least bit of comic timing or had already heard this story before it was not sidden at all but only to be expected, the Three Bears had returned from their dastardly deeds elsewhere.  
  
This gave Goldi a bit of a shock as she had not expected to be found, the best never are and she had almost damaged her reputation, luckily though, the Bears were still surveying the damage downstairs so escape was still a possibility. Somehow she made it sown the drain pipe while the Bears were still 'Who's been sitting in my chair' and the whiny brat was screaming its brains out. Just wait till they found the note from Fairies Inc. she giggled to herself.  
  
Goldi was safely back home when she heard from grandma that the mission had been successfully accomplished and the Bears had skipped town. It was a few days before all the eligable young maidens, which discounted Red right away, to attend on the Prince. The Prince was unfortunately named Herbert by his parents but due to his rather cynical, pessimistic and generally noncongenial disposition, everyone called him Prince Charming out of a sense of the ironic. Goldilocks attended on the Prince when he came acalling, it seemed there had been a mishap at the palace and the Prince had fallen head over heels literally, for this girl who had left nothing but a glass slipper, which was the cause of the Prince's fall, in her wake of destruction. Added to her list felonies was masquerading as a princess. Once this girl was found she would be summarily executed for the good of the public.  
  
At this point Goldi remembered the glass slipper she had found and gave it to the prince informing him of the wereabouts of the little bimbo commonly known as Cinderella. She also recounted the tale of how she came about the slipper and as the Prince was intregued he enquired as to the rest of the story. She told him, ommiting a few pertinant details that could see her hanged for murder, treason, and various other nefarious crimes. The Prince fell head over heels this time in love with Goldilocks and vowed to marry her immediately. For her part Goldilocks accepted, mainly because she actually liked the Prince, he had the same sardonic humour as herself. And so the wedding took place that afternoon, the same afternoon that the notorious Cindy was hanged as a safty precausion against all intelligent creatures who would have to endure her annoying lightbulb smile and the screeching she called singing.  
  
Goldilocks was ever after known as the Klepto Princess. Snow White finally broke free of the fairy tale and became a lesbian. Little Red Riding Hood had seven of the ugliest children imaginable to Big Bad whom she eventually divorced gaining a large settlement, she became even richer when she sold her children to the circus. Big Bad didn't mind really, he had fallen in love with Goldi when he found out that it was her who left the two little pigs for his dinner, and lived a happy life pining after unrequited love which is the best misery imaginable. He wrote several award winning self help books and is now a multi millionaire. He remarried a supermodel. All in all no one lived too unhappily ever after... 


End file.
